Have you ever felt guilty for taking time to do nothing in particular? To hang up your role as caregiver, to put aside your to-do list, to put aside your future aspiration list, to put aside your productivity in any area and to just take a moment to live right now and to renew your energy?
I have! And, recently I found out just how deep my guilt was. It bothered me so much that I was determined to find the underlying cause so I could actually recharge and eliminate this seemingly invisible and elusive stressor.
A few weeks ago I went to Rhode Island for 6 days by myself to stay in my family’s house and take my daily walks along the rocky coastline. This was the second time I had taken a break like this since becoming a mom 6.75 years ago.
The last time I traveled I felt guilty too, but I had company and was more easily distracted from my thoughts. This time, however, I went solo and I could not escape my thoughts.
I also happened to have been researching the social dynamics of the unpaid workforce (aka caregivers, moms included) because I have had to repeatedly defend my hidden financial worth as an unpaid worker.
I have also seen one too many posts about mom’s looking for paid work after their partners have been pushing them to contribute financially. Even when they have 2 kids under 3 at home, housework, cooking, errands, bill paying, and many other domestic tasks to tend to.
Too many women have expressed to me that they feel like they need to make money but they don’t know when they could even work since they are basically working for their family 12-14 waking hours a day. They are looking because they are being sent the message that they are not doing enough since they don’t bring in cash money.
This is a huge source of stress for so many caregivers and unpaid workers and I want to help reframe our work and dissolve this hidden stressor.
Have you ever heard this quote?
“Can’t afford to pay your housekeeper anymore? Marry her! Then she’ll do it for free.”
Oh, it makes my blood boil! But more importantly it proves the point that we are doing unpaid work.
We have been part of the unpaid workforce since we started doing house work for our mates and since our children were born. We know this. Everyone knows this. But, we don’t think about it as “work”. We see it as unselfish acts of service done by women because that is what women do. They care. They nurture. They cook, clean, fold laundry, plan family events….
Until this work is truly valued we caregivers cope with an undetected undercurrent of shame when we take time to recharge. It seems like we don’t deserve it. Like we need to do something valuable before we can rest.
Now, I am not interested in spinning this into a victim story at all.
Rather I want to be part of a movement that brings awareness to the valuable time and energy caregivers (mostly moms) devote to running the invisible foundation of family life.
I want to spread relief.
Because, just identifying this cause has given me a sense of relief and it allowed me to actually enjoy my time away in Rhode Island, rather than feel coiled up in invisible chains of guilt (sounds dramatic and it felt dramatic).
About a month ago, when I started digging for how to quantify my worth, I found a calculator and a great article written by Melinda Gates on the history of the unpaid workforce.
Here are some facts that blew me away:
“If you hired workers at the market rate to do all the unpaid work women do, unpaid work would be the biggest sector of the global economy.”
“In 2003, the Bureau of Labor Statistics started conducting a national time-use survey that measured housework and childcare hours. It shows that men have more time for recreational activities like playing games and exercising, while women not only do more unpaid work but do more work altogether.”
(Read more here)
It took until 2003 to count this work! That is insane!
Now, we can talk about how what we do qualifies as work all day and how we have a right to claim worthiness amongst our friends with professional careers and paid jobs. But, what is really enlightening is calculating how much you would make if you were paid for all of the jobs you perform each week based on what those jobs are worth in the marketplace.
Here is the calculator.
When I calculated the work I put in for just the first four years of my son’s life I earned well over $75,000 a year! Currently I would earn around $40,000 a year because he spends less time with me now. Still, not bad.
Now, I don’t get that paycheck and neither do unpaid moms (or dads or family members). And, I really don’t enjoy boiling down the tender role of parent down to a number.
Yet, Imagine the nods of respect we would get when we announced we landed a $75,000/year job. Imagine that no one asked you, overworked and exhausted to the bone, when you were going to get a real job or when you were going to financially contribute to the family.
Attaching a number and being recognized by economists puts a value on our work that we can all understand. I no longer want to try to convince anyone or even myself of my worth, I would rather give them a number and just enjoy the respect.
And, most of all I want you to know your value and worth. I want you to be able to take rest when needed and not feel like you should give more in order to “deserve” any time to recharge.
I want you to know that you do work- unpaid.
So, please, if you get a moment to yourself- from an hour on a Saturday afternoon to 10 minutes before the kids wake up to 6 days away- please don’t think you need to fill it with productivity to prove your worthiness to yourself and thus to society. I am going to do the same.
And, I hope that you will spread this message by talking about it. Share this blog post. Model rest for your children, talk to your family and talk to your friends.
Let’s change this perspective on the unpaid caregivers of our world. Let’s give them the vacation they deserve. A guilt and stress free one. Because I have yet to meet a parent who doesn’t give their absolute best effort in raising their child or taking care of their family.
In my personal experience, when I came back from those 6 days I was so full of energy to give to my son. I was ready for a summer full of fort building, reading, beach trips, swimming in pools, visiting friends and family, creating art projects, overseeing cooking and baking, and going on countless spontaneous adventures. We are two weeks into summer now, and I still feel the effects of my time of rest.
Even more important, I feel an invisible weight has lifted from my shoulders and that I am doing an even better “job” than before . A better “job” of being present and of consciously raising my son to be a whole hearted and well rounded human. After all, shaping a human’s brain and body is valuable…far beyond the number the calculator churns out.
